In the last year, my life has shifted in so many ways and I’ve taken to writing to help sort through all the emotions. These days I’m trying to write more often than not – some days the task is easier to do than other days but I’m getting there.
I began journalling as an outlet for all the things I needed to communicate to my mom and no longer could. One of the most difficult things for me throughout this whole ordeal has been the loss of communication with her. I feel like, for the most part, I can deal with not seeing her everyday because I’ve lived apart from her before, when I went to college, and leading up to her getting sick, I split my time between our home and my boyfriend’s house. So not seeing her anymore is something I am able to come to better terms with than not being able to communicate with her. My mom and I were in constant communication regardless of when we last saw each other. I could leave out of the house in the morning having just spent the last 40 minutes getting ready for work with her and jump on the phone and chat with her my entire ride to the office like we hadn’t just left each other. If we weren’t talking on the phone it is likely that we were texting. I called her for anything and everything. The tiniest inconvenience comes up and there I was dialing her number. She was and is my best friend. I’m not sure if a parent can be your soulmate, but I am sure that she was mine.
She understood me in a way that no one else could. She knew what I was going to say before I said it. She sensed exactly how I felt without me even having to tell her. She had the ability to talk me down from each and every ledge no matter how upset I initially was, she was able to melt away my emotions like butter. In losing that stability, that grounding force that she was, I lost myself. I still am lost, if I’m being completely honest. Navigating life without my tour guide is so extremely difficult. I find myself every day wanting to call her. I yearn to hear her voice, to tell her about my day, my highs and lows, my frustrations, my plans, dreams and desires. I would love nothing more than to hear her pick up the phone and say “hi girlie” with that goofy grin she had. I miss most her logical and rational responses. If you know me, you know I am one for dramatics. She was always able to help shift my focus and call me back down to earth.
She also instilled in me all the things I needed, to be able to do all the things she did for me. She prepared me for this day, she filled my toolkit with all the tools I would need. She knew one day I would have to be self-sufficient and she made sure I’d be ready. With that in mind, I am slowly finding my way. When you lose the anchor in your life, it is easy to feel like you are floating away into oblivion. But you aren’t. I, like anyone else going through something similar, possess the power to redirect. It is all within me. I saw a post on Facebook earlier that read “She stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails.” That’s where I am currently, in the storm, working on adjusting my sails. The adjustment is huge and takes time…lots and lots of time (and tears), but I’m getting there – slowly but surely. In the grand scheme of things, I think life is one big adjustment period. You’ll always be adjusting to something, whether it’s something good like a new job, new house, or new baby, or something bad like a new normal due to loss of a job, home, or loved one – there will always be an adjustment on your horizon. Life is about learning to surf the waves on your beach. That’s not necessarily a real phrase but I just made it up and to me it works LOL. I’m learning and I’m adjusting – and trying to surf – as necessary and that’s where I currently am right now. -T